Who Is In Control

   How much of the anger and frustration you often feel might be due to your inability to force people and situations to be and do as you would have them? This includes, but is not limited to, your spouse, closest and dearest friends, neighbors or children.

   Has your anger, constant nagging and other attempts at manipulation brought about the changes you desired or has it merely perpetuated your anger and frustration in addition to distancing people from you?

   Go ahead – rant, rave, cuss, and righteously condemn everything and everybody that does not agree with your point of view. See how much good that will do.

  After you have worn yourself out with your failed efforts to manipulate people and events outside your control consider: What would it mean to look at these kinds of things from a more “universal” perspective?

   I recommend detachment – trying to understand that the world will unfold according to God’s plan – not the one that you and I keep trying to manipulate and control.

  With that in mind, go to sleep and have sweet dreams, knowing that the universe is in God’s hands—not yours, not your spouses’, your parents, your friends; not the politicians, government or the media.

   When you wake, vow to be the best that you can be -- with joy and optimism. Do your work. Love your family and friends -- without being angry, worrying or suffering over the fact that you cannot control anybody but yourself.

   God’s universe is an orderly place. God has set aside several billion years for the unfoldment of God’s universe. We can try to understand and play our part cheerfully. Or we can worry, doubt, be angry -- and suffer.

  I recommend trying to understand and cooperate with continued respect and appreciation for the relationships  gifts, skills, talents and opportunities that God has given us.

--A Betty Peters Late Night Reflection on Facebook from October, 2013

The Saint Ignatius Examen is an effective way to figure out what is important.  I recommend it as a daily meditative exercise for focusing your life in a more positive, detached way:  http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen  

The Daily Examen is a technique of prayerful reflection on the events of the day in order to detect God’s presence and discern his direction for us.  The Examen is an ancient practice in the Church that can help us see God’s hand at work in our whole experience.

The method presented here is adapted from a technique described by Ignatius Loyola in his Spiritual Exercises. St. Ignatius thought that the Examen was a gift that came directly from God, and that God wanted it to be shared as widely as possible. One of the few rules of prayer that Ignatius made for the Jesuit order was the requirement that Jesuits practice the Examen twice daily—at noon and at the end of the day. It’s a habit that Jesuits, and many other Christians, practice to this day.

How to Make the Examen Part of Your Day
Variations on the Examen
Reflections on Praying the Examen
Handouts on the Examen

This is a version of the five-step Daily Examen that St. Ignatius practiced.

1. Become aware of God’s presence.
2. Review the day with gratitude. 
3. Pay attention to your emotions.
4. Choose one feature of the day and pray from it.
5. Look toward tomorrow.

- See more at: http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen#sthash.IZ9L9pN5.dpuf

No, I Don't Want To Hug You

   As we were leaving a recent social event with some of our theater friends, an acquaintance walked up and reached out to hug me.  I put up my hands to ward her off and backed away.

   “You don’t want to hug me?” she asked almost tearfully.

   “No, I don’t want to hug you,” I said.  “I don’t believe in hugging everybody.” 

   I don’t dislike this person, but I don’t especially like her either.  I’ve known her for over 15 years.  We have worked on several theater projects together. She goes around hugging everybody all the time.  She holds up her arms and reaches out saying “I need to get my hug.”  It’s bad acting. It seems phony and artificial.  In my opinion she feels insecure within herself and is seeking affirmation.  In other words, she uses affection to steal other people’s energy because she cannot figure out how to generate her own sense of well being.  That’s part of the reason why I don’t want to hug her.

   I used to be like her.

   I grew up in a family that was not affectionate.  I saw my friends and neighbors getting lots of nurturing and encouragement from their families and friends.  I craved that kind of attention.  I developed a pattern of behavior to manipulate friends for affection.  I sought out church groups and other situations where everybody hugged everybody all the time.  My satisfaction in such relationships was fleeting. I know there were times people hugged me when what they really felt toward me was something closer to indifference or even hatred.

   I was over fifty years old when I finally understood that depending on strangers for my emotional security was precarious and often added to my poor self-image instead of making me feel better. Trying to build one’s sense of well being via the whims of casual acquaintances or total strangers is like pouring water into a leaky bucket.  It will never be filled. Confidence, understanding, respect and caring have to come from within if one expects to enjoy healthy, mature relationships with other people. A wise person once said that if you make friends with yourself, you will never be lonely.

      There are people whose entire being exudes a natural warmth, caring and a sense of kinship with all life.  I delight in them and enjoy their affection.

    Some people just don’t seem to know how to be cordial and polite without hugging everybody and pretending that every one they encounter is a close personal friend.

   Some folks use hugs as a form of communication because they really don’t know what to say.  I tolerate this some times because it is less troublesome than trying to force conversation.

  Some of my dearest friends are not “huggy” people and so I don’t hug them.

    Affection is a point of personal privilege. My choice to hug somebody is about me -- who I am, what I believe and how I want to interact. 

     If you don’t get a hug from me, don’t take it personally. Or do take it personally if you feel you must. But if that’s your reaction then you have probably identified the primary reason why I don’t want to hug you.  I suggest you grow up and figure out how to hug yourself – not as an act of self-indulgent narcissism -- but out of a sense of knowing that you are a child of God and designed to make valuable contributions in God’s universe.  Often the best way to achieve that is by minding one’s own business and trying to live life as a quiet, thoughtful, decent human being.