No, I Don't Want To Hug You

   As we were leaving a recent social event with some of our theater friends, an acquaintance walked up and reached out to hug me.  I put up my hands to ward her off and backed away.

   “You don’t want to hug me?” she asked almost tearfully.

   “No, I don’t want to hug you,” I said.  “I don’t believe in hugging everybody.” 

   I don’t dislike this person, but I don’t especially like her either.  I’ve known her for over 15 years.  We have worked on several theater projects together. She goes around hugging everybody all the time.  She holds up her arms and reaches out saying “I need to get my hug.”  It’s bad acting. It seems phony and artificial.  In my opinion she feels insecure within herself and is seeking affirmation.  In other words, she uses affection to steal other people’s energy because she cannot figure out how to generate her own sense of well being.  That’s part of the reason why I don’t want to hug her.

   I used to be like her.

   I grew up in a family that was not affectionate.  I saw my friends and neighbors getting lots of nurturing and encouragement from their families and friends.  I craved that kind of attention.  I developed a pattern of behavior to manipulate friends for affection.  I sought out church groups and other situations where everybody hugged everybody all the time.  My satisfaction in such relationships was fleeting. I know there were times people hugged me when what they really felt toward me was something closer to indifference or even hatred.

   I was over fifty years old when I finally understood that depending on strangers for my emotional security was precarious and often added to my poor self-image instead of making me feel better. Trying to build one’s sense of well being via the whims of casual acquaintances or total strangers is like pouring water into a leaky bucket.  It will never be filled. Confidence, understanding, respect and caring have to come from within if one expects to enjoy healthy, mature relationships with other people. A wise person once said that if you make friends with yourself, you will never be lonely.

      There are people whose entire being exudes a natural warmth, caring and a sense of kinship with all life.  I delight in them and enjoy their affection.

    Some people just don’t seem to know how to be cordial and polite without hugging everybody and pretending that every one they encounter is a close personal friend.

   Some folks use hugs as a form of communication because they really don’t know what to say.  I tolerate this some times because it is less troublesome than trying to force conversation.

  Some of my dearest friends are not “huggy” people and so I don’t hug them.

    Affection is a point of personal privilege. My choice to hug somebody is about me -- who I am, what I believe and how I want to interact. 

     If you don’t get a hug from me, don’t take it personally. Or do take it personally if you feel you must. But if that’s your reaction then you have probably identified the primary reason why I don’t want to hug you.  I suggest you grow up and figure out how to hug yourself – not as an act of self-indulgent narcissism -- but out of a sense of knowing that you are a child of God and designed to make valuable contributions in God’s universe.  Often the best way to achieve that is by minding one’s own business and trying to live life as a quiet, thoughtful, decent human being.